Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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