I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
