i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
