If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
