I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
