I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
