right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
