If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
