He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
