Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
