Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
