She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
