i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
