you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
