my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
