he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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