im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
