I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i will never coherently bang her
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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