so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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