my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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