Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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