Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
