Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
