Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
