I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
