if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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