I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
