this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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