so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Of course I have a pirate flag
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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