New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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