i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
