Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize