the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
