I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
