Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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