when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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