I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
