I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Panties = found
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