why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
