So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
