I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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