This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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