This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize