Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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