i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
