Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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