i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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