I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
