I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
