Joe is yelling at the trees again.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
