i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
