Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
