you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
