I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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