dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
