I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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