Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
i out mim tonsoeep
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