i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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