Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
