So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
