So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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