I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
