sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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