Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
