twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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