Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
