shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize