yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
