I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
